In America, famously, everyone is equal. This is because a small group of rich white men declared it so a couple hundred years ago and it has been so ever since without exception. Of course, because some people are more equal than others, it’s important to have some sort of system in place so people know their place. Points. That’s right, points. We’ll get straight to the point, and if you find yourself adrift in the vagaries of the conversation and unsure of your point of sail, pick up a handy pocket map at the point of sale to guide you back to the point of no return. Which is where we are, and this is how it goes.

Everybody is allotted a certain number of points to start out with, according to entirely insubstantial criteria that they have no control over. If this seems arbitrary, that’s because, in point of fact, it is. At this point, I should point out that if you happen to be somebody who starts out with an obscene number of points, nothing that follows really applies to you. You can carry on as you like without penalty.

Rich white men, in keeping with tradition, will be given all the points they could ever want or need, though they will often feel aggrieved about how many points they have or sense that others are trying to take them away. It doesn’t work like that and they know it, but it’s a feeling they just can’t shake. It is difficult for a rich white man to lose points, no matter how much they mistreat or abuse other people, the system, or common decency.

Everybody else, however, starts with a certain number of points, which will be depleted or augmented according to various rules of nature or behavior, pretty much from the first. Points will be taken away for not being a man, not being white, not being born in America, not being straight, and, conflictingly, not having a lot of money. More money brings more points, to the point that we can overlook some other failings, but if you don’t have the points it can be hard to get the money.

We will deeply ingrain this point system from childhood. Points will be taken away for sloppy handwriting, for tardiness, and for poor spelling. Points will be taken away for being poorly educated, and points will be taken away for being over-educated, particularly if you start out with very few points. Points will be taken away for daydreaming or over-enthusiasm. We’re glad you know the answer, but you called it out of turn. Points will be subtracted. We’re pleased that you got the right solution, but you didn’t show your work. Points will be subtracted. You got the right answer and showed your work, but it was the wrong work. Points will be subtracted. Points will be subtracted if you’re missing part of your uniform. Points will be subtracted if your uniform is not pressed and perfect. Points will be subtracted if you ask too many questions or check too many facts. Points will be subtracted for not working. Points will be subtracted for taking “our” jobs.

Points will be taken away for creativity unless you’ve invented some way that humans can stay more permanently and utterly attached to their computers or phones, in which case points will be rewarded. Points will be awarded for compliance, for cleanliness, for prettiness as arbitrarily defined by society, and for whiteness of teeth. If you have many points, it will be easier to get more points. If you run out of points, that’s very bad, and more points will be taken away from you. Since you don’t have points at this point, points will be loaned to you at a very great interest, and if it seems like you’ll never be able to pay them back, that’s because you won’t.

And points will be used as a tool to make people more outraged and more pointless and hopeless. You will be told that other people, who were supposed to be awarded fewer points based on our arbitrary system, might somehow end up with more points than you. It doesn’t work that way, and we all know it, but it’s so hard to shake that feeling. They might end up with more points than you! This fear will lead to aggrievement, outrage, and, if properly applied, violence.

Of course, we value kindness and compassion, we pretend to admire honesty and decency, but they won’t be on the test, and no points will be awarded. What’s the point of it all? That’s beside the point, it is a completely pointless question, so we’ll all just carry on, shall we?

If there’s one thing in our flawed system that might still be barely working, despite the pointed efforts of the point-rich to sabotage it, it’s the idea that no matter how many points we have, we all get one vote. Please, please, please cast it.